Save for my boyfriend and my roommates, I have been ignoring everyone for the last few days. I have been in hiding. I have 6 voicemails and a million and a half missed calls. Have you ever been so unsure and confused about something that you just can’t even pick up the phone to talk about it?
I passed my Praxis. I was shocked. I needed a 138-145 (NJ has score flexibility if your GPA is over 3.5), I got a 171. I saw the score and I was upset, to be honest– because I still don’t really know whether to believe **I** am qualified. And I passed by nearly 35 points. So, people much, much worse than me are passing– and that scared me a little. I was also slightly disappointed. At that moment, part of me wanted to fail. Part of me wanted an excuse to walk away from all of this because I am actually quite terrified. Every time something is about to happen in my life, I have this crisis of confidence and I just fold. I have held myself back from so much.
This feeling is connected to my North Star interview. Or, lack of interview. After planning a lesson, copying 500 pages worth of student packets, and and insane level of stress, I did not make it to my interview. I became ill, like– I couldn’t walk across my hallway to the bathroom ill. I don’t know what it was. Food poisoning? Stomach flu? Nerves? More than one of the above? Either way, I e-mailed the principal at 3AM and had to tell her I wouldn’t be coming… in 4 hours. I was so embarrassed and anxious. None of our interview information told us what to do if we couldn’t get out of bed on the day of our interview. I didn’t know if TFA would dismiss me (such dramatic thoughts, in retrospect). I have never been such an emotional and physical wreck. This is hard to admit, but I think a lot of it (even if mixed with something more legit) was nerves. I think I may have been making myself sick. I was so intimidated by the caliber of the school I was going to- for my first interview, my first ever lesson plan, my first time ever being in front of a classroom. I was putting so much pressure on myself, maybe I just cracked.
My nerves are still kind of shot. I can’t even really process what’s happening. I’m really confused. I know it’s not normal to be having such extreme feelings. I feel like everything has been moving SO fast. It hasn’t even sunk in that I got into TFA yet and all of a sudden there’s an interview on my plate before I have an ounce of training.
So, I’m trying to sort through things and figure out which feelings are real. In the meantime, I don’t feel like updating my family and rehashing the last 3 days in detail. I just hope I can get some perspective soon. It turns out they still want to interview me. On the 29th. The day before my next Praxis. With a whole new set of (yet undisclosed) objectives. I am worried that this is all going to repeat itself.